Can A Relationship Work With Someone Who's Never Been In Love?
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I met my boyfriend by surprise; he was enrolled in the community college course I taught. Is it time to join a convent?
Ask follow-up questions the next time you talk. I guess I just feel stuck.
Can A Relationship Work With Someone Who's Never Been In Love? - Consummating a marriage gives divorced guys a leg up on pure bachelors in the bedroom.
Dear Wendy is a relationship advice blog. You can read about me , peruse the archives and read popular posts. You can also follow along on and. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. I am 30 years old, relatively successful in my current career track, intelligent, attractive, easy to talk to, and very friendly. I seem to be able to get along with absolutely everybody and make others feel at ease. To the best of my knowledge, no guy has ever been attracted to me. None of my girl friends believe me when I inform them of this fact. Why would I lie about being such a loser in love? Is it time to join a convent? And why are you so convinced no guy has ever been attracted to you? How can you possibly know the thoughts of every guy who has ever laid eyes on you? Relationship dysmorphic disorder is, as I define it, a psychological disorder in which the affected person is excessively concerned about and preoccupied by a perceived defect in his or her ability to attract a mate and sustain a relationship. So, how can you treat RDD? Was there verbal abuse in your past? Were you criticized a lot as a child? Do you suffer from social anxiety? Surely, you have a dear friend who has been privy to your relationship woes. What does she think is the issue? Did you strike up an email correspondence with anyone? Was there anyone you found attractive or interesting? Were you proactive in reaching out to those people or did you passively wait to be contacted? Did you cast a wide enough net, or were you limiting your search to handsome 33-year-old MDs with Doberman Pinschers? It is statistically unlikely in the extreme that no man has ever been attracted to her, but I am interested in the fact that she has never been on a date. Maybe guys have asked her out before without her realizing they were expressing sexual interest? It just seems unlikely that a woman would go thirty years without being hit on, so I am inclined to think a lot of this is in her head. When I was younger, I was very hard on myself and had body image issues and therefore thought that no guys were interested in me. The other side is that she may be extremely picky. When I was in high school, the idea of anyone dating me was a joke. I was fat, unstylish, nerdy and unpopular. As I matured I found friends, but not dates. Not being either lesbian or bisexual, the odds of dating did not improve. I am however, unique among my straight college friends in that I was never once hit on by a woman. I then went on to graduate school in science. By then I was fat again and spent all my time in the lab. It was about this time that I realized I was not in fact oblivious to flirting, because I realized it was happening to people all around me in my presence, just not to me. It was rather like high school all over again, but without the put downs. Somehow I have managed to go from the Land of Singles to the Land of Married without ever passing through the Dating Lands. I could blame it on shallow men and shallow women? None of it has ever made a difference. He was actively looking for a place to sleep. Hollywood likes to tell us that the shy wall flower or the wimpy nerdy guy gets out of high school and becomes a vixen or a hunk or at least reaches a reasonable level of attractiveness and finds a companion. Some people get over the dating barrier, other people find hobbies and adopt cats. I think you could benefit from some therapy, like Wendy told the LW. No one deserves to feel unwanted. Please, please find a professional to help you work through this. Alli, you definitely need a big jolt of confidence. No one deserves to go through life thinking all of those negative things about themself! Who cares if you once had bad teeth, or you were overweight? There are PLENTY of people out there with those same qualities and WORSE, I know! And there are plenty of guys who would like that reflection, too. Guys are very tuned-in to confidence, and if you have none, and if you dislike yourself as much as you seem to, how in the world can THEY like and love you? It may sound tired, but people will love you if you love yourself first. I know too many bitter people who, even having had a dating life, however small, found it got them exactly nowhere. At some point you have to throw in the towel and find something else to do. But being self-sufficient, confident, independent, somewhat thinner and somewhat better dressed is not going to change my dating prospects. It never has before, and it never will. My goal in life is finding something else to judge my self worth on and find some other route to happiness and fulfillment, because dating has never been an option. IT NEVER HAS BEFORE AND IT NEVER WILL. And your fatalistic approach to the future is simply ridiculous. I think the best thing you said was that you need to find other roads to happiness and fulfillment. I honestly wish you success with that… because once you find that, I think you might just be surprised at what else you find — thus proving the point that attitude IS everything. I like to make people feel good about themselves, not tear them down. They are wired to be positive against all facts and all odds and in the face of all reality. I grew up overweight, did some fluctuating throughout college, lost some, gained some, changed my hair, my clothes and my makeup. At the time, I felt pretty good about myself. I was a little on the shy side, but I had plenty of friends. I had pretty much resigned myself to a life of singleness and was pretty ok with it. I had a few really rough life experiences that launched me into a bout of pretty bad anxiety and depression. During that year, everything in my life was difficult, from just getting in a car, to going out with friends. When I finally emerged from this episode, I had a completely new perspective on life. All of the little things that people take for granted I was thrilled with! Just feeling good enough to go out with friends on a friday night was enough to make me giddy. I lost 30 lbs and actually became the completely healthy sized person that I assumed I never would be like I said, I was pretty ok with being 170 lbs, I was overweight but not huge or anything. I also started to embrace life more. I start looking at socializing completely differently. I stopped going out at night hoping to meet men, and started just going to have fun. I started viewing all of these interactions as a way to enrich my life. Meeting new people was like a fun new game that I had never even known existed before. I may not have been unhappy with myself, but I certainly never thought I was sexy. People just seemed to believe whatever I thought in my head about myself. Now I look at every person I meet as a possible new friend. When I started loving life, men started flocking to me. It seems that all they really want is to be around someone that is having fun and enjoying themselves, no matter what the circumstances. The change that took place in me was very subtle, but it made all the difference when in came to relationships. Mine happened to me when I was too busy enjoying myself and playing this new socializing game to even notice the new attention I was getting. I have friends, a decent job, interests, etc. It is what it is, and the options are a get over it or b sit around and bemoan your lack of coupling. But I do believe your experience to be accurate. There are other things to do with your life besides define it by your significant other. How can you possibly know the thoughts of every guy who has ever laid eyes on you? I can FEEL the waves of negativity emanating from your post. Every negative thing about yourself that you described was physical in nature. Where is your personality? But bottom line, you have to lose the attitude. Besides the fact that so much negativity can manifest itself in various physical ways, it does you absolutely NO good — people are intuitive and they can sense when someone has no confidence. Given that, are things helpless? Not even given that. First, as others have recommended, exercise. Exercise is always a good thing. It builds confidence, it improves body image, it make you feel better physically and mentally. Second, figure out a good target weight — or more properly, a good target size, and get there. Your body is changeable, and you can reach the size you want. Again, you know this. Third, make sure your attire suits you. This also builds confidence and, aside from some cost which can be minimal, it has no downside. You cannot possibly exercise, get into a good shape and weight, dress well, and not feel at least better. Next, if you truly are just screwed genetically, fix those things that seem most fixable. I am not an advocate of plastic surgery in most cases, but if what stands between you and happiness is a nose, or your teeth, or whatever, then… fix them. As soon as you are ok with the way you look, you will find that guys will be attracted to you. Not all men, everywhere, but enough men, and not just strange ones on buses and at conventions. There are so many things about our appearances that are within our control, that genetics only plays a part in the final outcome of how we look. And even if Alli or the LW were repulsively ugly, which I doubt, there are plenty of men who are also less attractive than average. There is no such thing as undateable. Did you ask some of your close friends to set you up with some guy? Did you seek out some shy, possibly less-than-hot guy who was staying close to the wall at some event, not really able to work up the nerve to barge in and talk to the girls? You could be doing BOTH of you a huge favor! Go to a bar or club in an area where nobody knows you, with a couple of close girlfriends. Ask them what you could change about you to attract more invitations to dates. I feel most decent guys will give you pretty blunt pointers about what vibe you are giving out, rather than what vibe YOU THINK you are giving out. She feels pretty much the same way about it as you do, I absolutely can see where you are coming from. She is overweight and I do think that adds a lot to her stress. I think she is beautiful, and fucking hilarious, and a wonderful person. If I was a lesbian I would date her because I truly believe she is worthy and deserving of love. I have a feeling you are the same way. This is very much my life as I am almost 30-years old and have never had a boyfriend and have been on one date and I had to ask him out. I will be honest. Weight is an issue and I was constantly criticized as a child and told no man would want me for being fat. I have a VERY critical family. I seem to really get the brunt of it from all angles. I still feel really insecure about, well, me. I also find myself single in the land of the married. I have a kick ass career that requires me to be people oriented. I am an African-American female living in place that is predominately Caucasian. Needless to say, I am at the bottom of the barrel when it comes to standards of beauty. And speaking of stats, studies show that most men would rather date any race other than a black women, even if they are a black man. Well folks, this is my everyday reality. So while I feel more hopeful about my weight, I feel very helpless about my social situation. I am 45 and have never dated anyone. I have met guys via Internet, in person and otherwise. Some of this was the result of not willing to compromise on Christian values but other than that I am totally disappointed that I do not really appeal to guys. If I meet someone I am interested in, I pursue them and not the other way around. The signal that she wants to date is not coming across. Smile, make eye contact, ask for help with something then smile and say thank you. Exercise- even if your weight is perfect, it will get you in tune with your body and make you feel more confident and sexy. Check out your clothes. Are they clean, ironed? Do they flatter your figure? Guys are visual creatures- are your clothes girly? Men are very visually oriented and women dress to take advantage of that fact. Especially one devoted to the body language of dating or sexual chemistry. If you search Amazon. Besides, these books are just plain fun to read. It may have taken 26 years of not having a clue, but at least I finally pulled my head out of my you-know-what and put forth some effort. I think the LW probably has a lot going for herself and will find the right guy. Get back online and practice your body language and flirting, go on some practice dates with guys you may not totally be into, just to get a few under your belt and deal with the nerousness. Best of luck to you! THEY spend a lot of time stressing too, so it not only saves them the trouble but immediately gives them an ego boost. If you know someone really cool and laid back, I bet he would love for you to ask him for coffee or drinks! I suggest an inter mural sports team if you are athletic or maybe see if any local bars do trivia nights if that is more your bag. Even dog parks are great ways to meet new people who might share a common interest with you. I have a number of GFs who have a hard time meeting guys and it normally stems from some key behaviors: 1. As Wendy said- if there is a guy out there you already like, ask him out! It is the 21st century and it is perfectly acceptable for the woman to be the aggressor in the relationship. I would also not broadcast your lack of relationship experience too early into any potential relationship. Anyone else thoughts about this? Also, your first post was what I was trying to get at, too — expanding your social activities is key to meeting more people. There is clearly something seriously wrong with your perceptions. It got him into some trouble before we got together. Luckily for him, I made the first move and took care of that problem. Most days I just feel like going home, eating dinner, relaxing, etc. I would suggest joining some groups or signing up for activities that you personally enjoy doing — a painting class, a book club, the alumni association of your college, a rockclimbing group, whatever you enjoy doing! This is exactly how I met my current boyfriend — we were in the same group that traveled abroad a few years back, and we were both there because we had a sincere interest in art, history, and culture. It certainly helps to get the ball rolling, and to meet people with whom you can share certain interests and activities in the future! I wish you lots of good luck!! Should they just accept their fate? It depends what makes them happiest. They should do that. Some people really are unattractive to the other sex. It makes them honest. I have lots of guy friends, just never had a date. I know who I am, I know my own life. Maybe she should be the one to ask men out on dates? Get a friend to set her up for a double date? I am sure she is a lovely person, she just needs to believe it about herself! To tell the truth, I was interested, but not interested enough. Friends told me that I was confident and straightforward enough not flirty that I gave off the vibe that I was already taken or not interested. Just meeting for coffee, happy hour, etc, and trying to make a good first impression. It changed my life. Definitely less extreme, but I do think there are some common threads. I did not have one, single date in high school, and I assumed that I was undateable. I am not unattractive, I am smart and funny, but I am shy. OR that is what I thought when I was in high school. I have since realized that I was isolating myself. I was the cause. I had female friends, but only one boy ever asked me out and he not kidding at all had recently pinned a girl against the wall and threatened to kill her! I blamed others for passing me by, but I had essentially pulled myself out of the running before they had a chance to consider me. When I got to college, I only made ONE friend—a boy, who became my boyfriend in a matter of weeks. We have been together for a few years, and he and I agree that we will not be needing to date anyone else, ever. I guess what this story boils down to is a piece of advice: put yourself in a new situation, where other people are in a new situation, too. Take a class, join or start a club or meet-up group, just do something new. I had makeout partners in high school and guy friends I spent time with in college but an actual romantic and physical relationship has eluded me. I did not spend my 20s going to bars or parties never been to a party actually and the friends I made in college have all been reduced to Facebook statuses. I am comfortable with my life as it is although I am still working on my career path and aim to achieve more success with that. Yet I found myself wondering what was wrong with me because there is this total disconnect I experience from my peers — they are excited about having babies and getting married and it all seems so foreign to me. I am incredibly shy by nature and have a moral code that I upheld others towards but I realized through trial and error that I would never make new friends or experience love if I held people to high standards. I think LW is on the right track with seeing all the wonderful qualities about herself but she needs to take that and develop some confidence and change her surroundings a bit. In meeting new people and experiencing new things, she should gain a more complete view of herself and that confidence will be so attractive. It took me awhile to realize that I was judging people for not agreeing with my lifestyle and denying myself the opportunity to get close to them. Just a shame I realized this so late in the game — I feel like I missed out on my 20s so I can relate to LW being 30 and never having gone on a date. I will say to the letter writer that a lot of people end up in relationships just for the sake of being in one, ignoring huge warning signs, etc. I was a 28 year-old woman, had never dated, had not had anyone interested in dating me ever, and was fine with that. I had and still have an awesome best female friend with whom I travel, wrote, got a masters degree, got a cat…. I met my boyfriend by surprise; he was enrolled in the community college course I taught. FWIW, aside from the fact that he always laughed at my corny jokes, I was not initially attracted to him. Actually, it took most of the semester for me to get the names of everyone in my class straight, his included. I guess what I am trying to say is, just live your life to the fullest. As to therapy, I have been through it before for other reasons and I do believe it has helped me in many aspects of my life. I am certain that when I was more shy that I missed flirting but now when it is actual flirting I can pick it up. I have been working on body language over the last several years and it turns out I have been doing the right things. Also, I would hate to lose the friendship. Old Fashioned the opportunity to doing the asking out if it important to him. I was undateable in high school. I got to college, met a guy, who was terrible and I should have known better and dated. I continued dating guys who were looking for a meal ticket or crash space. I should have valued myself more. The people I dated, ended up treating me like garbage and tossing me away like it, too. And that unhappiness was the total root of my…unattractiveness. Not only did my marriage turn around, but now apparently I am totally The Sexy Bombshell amongst my circles. Everyone thinks they are smart, attractive, and funny. Everyone describes themselves the same wonderful! It seems to come down to how we define those qualities that makes us different. The boys in highschool were too icky and even though I went out alot in university, there were no connections made. Currently I work from home and I love living by myself. But I completely understand about guys not hitting on you. Or I get old men hitting on me. So LW, I definitely sympathize. Who knows who could be out there waiting for her! I made the first move via a dating site to my boyfriend and he is the love of my life. Not having dated is different from some intrinsic quality that renders dating impossible. Not only are most people realistic and willing to date around their own level of attractiveness, but people have different tastes. Lots of the comments talked about being fat… most Americans are overweight! And some people are into it, as evidenced by BBW sites. If my uncle can find someone, I think anyone can. When he met his wife, he had no career to speak of, looked 8 months pregnant, had a mullet, had maybe half a dozen teeth, and had the most atrocious facial hair I have ever seen. But now he is married to a very nice woman. I am not a lesbian either. I see other women getting asked on dates and boyfriends, etc. It is very frustrating. I beleive I might have aspergers but my therapist says I do not. I have mostly resigned myself to the idea that I waited too late to start these types of things and now no one wants me. Whether I like it or not I am going to die a virgin. Men seem to hate me and r jealous of me where I live. I have NEVER been hit on and the few weirdos interested in me hav only been weirdos. Losers idiots who only want sex and weird people. Its true that a pretty woman can go on for years not being hit on. Very beautiful and men r terrified of me and just make fun of me or pcik on me. Hope you find someone. I felt that way for years, but I got over it. With cancer I learned to let go of many things. One girl I really wanted years ago died from breast cancer at age 51. So—it could be worse my friend. If where you are is so hostile, move away if possible. What kind of offers she gets depends a lot on how she treats people who come along. No one wants to hang out with a miserable person. And unfortunately no one can make you un-miserable but you. Perhaps its time to focus on making some new friends, developing some new interests and expanding out of your miserable life? I am 28 and have never had a girlfriend, never had sex and had one, first and only, kiss in my life… Will you, as girls experienced in relationships, want a relationship with me and think of me as an undiscovered gem or be totally scared off by this fact and consider me someone with whom something must be dreadfully wrong, because no girl before loved me? And those of you who have never had a boyfriend, would it be attractive then to have the first relationship experience with me? Any of you, guys, had a similar story to mine? Any insight you could give me on this would be very valuable. I wish I knew what to do. One of my friends ended up marrying a guy that I was interested in first who asked me to introduce them. I just need advice on what to do! Prior to my 1st bf, I would get asked out by customers at work every now and then. However, they were men that were wrong for me. I was asked out by men like that or even a few that were married or had a girlfriend! I lost 2 sizes over a year ago and that is when I felt more comfortable and confident with myself. I was eventually asked out by a gentleman that sparked my interest. We fell in love with each other and now we are getting married next year. Okay, so I learned that to improve your chances of being asked out…you must be confident with yourself first and have a positive outlook on life. That is another deal for me when I was asked out by a nice man, I was no longer worried about getting a boyfriend. I am 31 and never dated. I am overweight, but still fairly attractive, feminine, rich social life etc. People always tell me : eat healthy, drink water, exercise. I have been for years. There are people out there televised studies, google it who will never be be overweight no matter what they eat. Has that helped me in my love life? I have been through therapy, the woman did NOT want to believe me. Because as I said before I am fairly attractive, feminine, wears make up, great interpersonal communication skills etc. Then it hit me, people hardly ever believe what they cant see or have not experienced. To the BEAUTIFUL MODEL who gets no date, I sympathize. I have seen a gorgeous model-type woman treated like a prostitute by men because of her looks, yet she dresses totally decently. She feels cursed, cries a lot, barely goes out, and is depressed. There are good looking men out there who are so attractive that people assume they are players, and they cant start a serious relationship because serious women avoid them. I have seen some guy complain about that on TV, he was not a womanizer and was sick of women not trusting him for a long term relationship, he lost confidence, his father had the same issue in his youth but eventually got lucky enough to meet a woman who BELIEVED him and became his wife. He felt bad for his son though, school gave him a reputation because jealous people will do just that. Others are poor in love, neither a choice, nor an attitude issue. All the advice in the world never helped me. Therapy didnt change my life in that area. Still, may love come your way, some do eventually get married, like a woman I know who got married in her 40s after a dry love life. Hopefully, it will be us I hope sooner. It sounded like the writer was being reprimanded for being different. When I was younger I would only get attention from middle aged men, some even married. Then last year I met I guy I really liked, went on a couple of dates, but then he had to move to another country because of work. People need to focus in other things that are equally important. I also think men want things easy. Women with standards have it more difficult. Anyways, I always try to stay positive. All I can say is never lose hope and keep your eyes open, things that are meant to be will happen and meeting someone special is not something that can be forced. Appreciating what i do have in my life that fulfills me is definitely a booster to my spirit and helps me to hold my head up high, esp. I quit in 2001 at age 46. I never could get the numbers to make dating payoff. As adult life took over it never changed. It only got worse with age. When I had my first date at 35, I was clueless on what to do. I kept trying learning as I went, but the prospect pool was very bad. You can do everything right in dating or seeking a lover, and never land the one. For me I usually met the right person at the wrong time. After 55 most men are no longer even datable. I ran an experiment two years ago. In 8 months I had 1400 women 50 plus view my profile. I contacted 40, ten responded, and not ONE even wanted to have a cup of coffee. That was it for me. She was so right. All o f them were pretty sad and pathetic. I began at 35, and I was still a virgin. Start flirting or give guys signals you are interested in them. For women age is your biggest enemy. Sorry, but after 30 the dating pool of quality people declines fast and accelerates over time. It can be changed. I gave up trying to date after 46. I did that, and I face a lonely and sexless existence for the rest of my life. It is tough to be single as you age up because you will lose many people along the way. Be attractive in the small ways, get out, and be realistic—this is not a happy or loving society. Hate to say it—my best dating prospects of my entire life all came before 25. I had no money, no car etc. When later came, all my prospects were gone. Get going and work on social life daily—make it part of your To Do list. If something can happen then eventually it will period. Some dateless by 30 people just got that roll. No no the answers 2 it does not matter at all how much you like 3 the answers still going to be 2.
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My goal in life is finding something else to judge my self worth on and find some other route to happiness and fulfillment, because dating has never been an option. After 55 most men are no longer even datable. I think the LW probably has a lot solo for herself and will find the right guy. Very beautiful and men r terrified of me and just make fun of me or pcik on me. Physical proximity closeness, emotional closeness and sharing experiences closeness. I was a little on the shy side, but I had plenty of friends. For someone, like my previous boyfriend, who has never experienced affection, love and adoration, can be hard things to grasp. Oh well Yes I'm a bit of a hermit also. I believe I'm funny. I guess I just want to talk to people who are having the same custodes so I don't feel like the odd one out. One guy walked as fast as he could ahead of me in a restaurant and he didn't seem to understand that that is a turn off.
